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New Week

For the last two weeks I was filled with fear for my marriage. I noticed that my husband and I were no longer close, and that I had no desire to become close to him anymore. I could see that it would take very little at that point for me to consider leaving him, even with the kids. Truthfully, the kids are the only thing that kept me home.

I had a quick talk to him about it last week. He was a little sad, paid attention to me for a day and then things went back to their distant ways. I realized that if he wasn’t going to try and make this work, that I wasn’t and we were headed for the big D. So I staged another big talk. On Saturday night I made him put everything aside and gave him the harshest details about my feelings. I didn’t sugarcoat anything. It felt so good to just be clear about everything. It brought him some tears. We talked all night about everything. I mentioned, again, how important it was for me to be able to consider a co-living arrangement with partners for the future. He has always been so against it, but this time he saw it differently. He actually told me that it makes sense! He likes the idea that it would all be integrated, that I would be home more often and we would all be more free to leave the house as there would be more people to watch the kids.

This was a pretty huge step for him. I worried that he was just saying it to appease me, to keep me. When asked later about his motivations he denied lying. He said that he really did see reason in it all. I mentioned this to A and he seemed to embrace it pretty immediately. He joked about moving into the porch or barn. Truthfully we would all have to move. It would be a very big step, but one that excites me. I would love to live with A. One has to also consider the pros to having a partner who lives outside the home, getting to escape home, getting to be louder, sexually, and that person having their own space and responsibilities not mixed with the family.

It would be a huge step for all of us. One that has to be talked about collectively, much more than we have been. It would mean that A would have to take more responsibility in the family. It would mean that A would be considered an equal partner. That might be tough for C to contemplate. It excites me though!

Another positive communication that was made recently (that clashes a little with this prior idea), is that A would like to find a woman to complete a triad with me and him. This was a really great idea to me! I want a GF, I realize this.But I hadn’t been letting myself think about it too much, until he mentioned this possibility. Now we are both searching for bisexual polymorous girls. Of course things are a bit more open for him finding a partner, but I think we have a pretty good chance at finding what we want,

Last week life seemed pretty dark and hopeless. This week things have changed radically. Sometimes you have to have the hard conversations, have to go through a tough time, to get to the rewarding solution. Honesty to yourself and others is the best policy.

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Posted by on June 5, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Lost Love

Things have been rocky, as of late. I don’t even know where to start. I guess it began with my first poly boyfriend, M. He lived an hour and a half away, the distance was killing me. I am a pretty needy gal who likes pretty constant attention, at least I recognize and admit it. I repeatedly communicated this upset within me, to my partner who lived so far away. He would comfort me and tell me of the days in the future when he would be done with school and would move closer, maybe. I couldn’t deal with the unknown there. I mean, how could I make it through two more years of this constant longing and sadness, just for a possible closer location, that might only be 30 minutes closer?

I fell for a friend. M gave me his reluctant blessing to go for it. He couldn’t deal with the insecurities of feeling replaced and the only now intermittent texts. I can’t completely blame him. I was replacing M, in a way. I still felt great love for him when I was with him, but I tried not to think about that amazing love when we were apart. I soaked my thoughts in the people I was with, my new beau (A) and my husband (C). Needless to say, M broke up with me. Via Skype. Well, who would want to drive an hour and a half to break a woman’s heart? Who would want to do that with the woman’s husband in the house? Probably a smart move.

He kept telling me how this was a good solution to our problems, that he was doing this for me as well as his own happiness. I couldn’t understand it. I felt that he was just giving up on us and not trying to do the poly thing and deal with his insecurities. It felt like part of my life had ceased to exist. I was hurt, I wanted him to feel that pain too. How could he end this when he said he still loved me? Isn’t this love worth fighting for, like he always told me? Just earlier that day he texted me about how he would do anything to keep this love, he would always be there in my heart and me in his.

The break completely caught me by surprise. I knew we were having issues, but I also knew we could deal with them and grow as a couple from them. We had already agreed to work on our solution a few days later and then the next weekend we were embarking on an adventure that we had been planning for months. I just couldn’t wrap my head around how he could give up before even giving it a chance. Before our healing weekend of love. Well, I still don’t know exactly why he had to take such a drastic action so soon, but I understand much more of how it is helping.

Though my heart is still sore from the loss of him, the loss of him in my future, I am freer. I can openly love A, whom my husband accepts fully and gets along with famously. There is no longer any jealousy to tip-toe around, no forced half truths (as M didn’t want to know when I was with A or anything regarding him), and I can love two people fully who are in my immediate vicinity. These two people love me intensely, which is enough for me right now. A even told me that he would be happy to help find me a third. I laughed and told him that as of right now, that is completely unnecessary. I can’t say that later I won’t want another love in my life, but right now two loves is plenty. I am getting to a place where I feel happier. My acne has almost ceased to exist, which was probably caused by all of the stress of trying to appease a jealous boyfriend. Not my style. I like being honest and open with everything. Sometimes too much so, but I need to be with people who can accept that about me.

This break up taught me not to inherently believe people who are in love, because we are a crazy lot. M said all of the right things, but if I went by actions alone, he wasn’t as in love as I had thought. I need to judge by actions in addition to expressions. Also, I learned that having a husband to fall on sobbing about lost love is the best thing ever when your heart is breaking. I didn’t feel alone and unloved. I just felt the loss of that particular love.

Now I am gearing up for that long weekend, only I get to spend most of it with A. I never was able to spend whole days with A because M got them first. This is going to be amazing to be able to share with my sweet love. He is so grateful for any time I can be with him, and he has plans for our days together. First up he is going to teach me to shoot (something that M always reserved the right to do but never followed through). He is taking me out tonight to a restaurant that he used to work at that makes pasta by hand. I am excited for him to share these things with me. I am so grateful that I get to enjoy him, guilt-free.

 
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Posted by on May 3, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Enjoying the Pressure

So I am married, bisexual and polyamorous!

Next item on the agenda! I am crushing on a new friend, agh!

There is always this nervous excitement surrounding a new crush. That moment when your arms graze each other and you can feel the electricity humming between you. When you analyze every single thing they say, dissecting sentences for signs of interest. Torturing yourself with fantastical imaginings and always on the brink of, “I am going to tell them how I feel today”, but never quite getting there. Always doubting your own intuition about the other person’s feelings for you.

My new friend seems to flirt with me, but then I reason it away, not wanting to take it the wrong way and find myself in an embarrassing situation. Embarrassment? Well, no, that isn’t quite accurate. I don’t care so much about people knowing my thoughts, I worry more about hindering a perfectly wonderful friendship. He is so hilarious! So brilliant! I love the amount of knowledge he possesses in seemingly random topics. He is strong, knows his way around guns and knives (which is a total turn-on in the “he could so protect me” department) and is super capable (in pretty much any sense).

When I am with him, I feel so comfortable, so at home in my skin. When we watch movies together I am ultra aware that I am not touching him, not cuddling. It feels wrong/awkward to be so far away from him. When I am at his place late at night, I feel like texting home that I will be coming back in the morning. I have so fantasized about spending the night and cuddling with him extensively.

Yes, I have it bad. But I am not sure that he wants the same thing. I have to would be keen on entering into a relationship with a married woman with a boyfriend. It sounds ridiculous when I read it back to myself! But when I am with him, it makes so much sense to me. If he doesn’t find the idea of us to be a smart one, I am quite content maintaining our cool friendship.communicate to him my feelings and see if he is wanting to explore that or if it isn’t the right ideal for him. I know he likes me, but I can’t figure out if he

So for now, I am going to enjoy hanging out with him, and enjoy the rush of having a crush. When the moment presents itself to communicate, I will be ready for whatever happens. Until then I am soaking up the awesome anxiety of each moment.

 
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Posted by on April 7, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Polyamory? But you’re breaking the rules!!

I guess you just about understand me and my aim in this blog…except for one fact. Or perhaps a few hundred. Well, anyway, what I mean is that there is another large thing I should mention about me and my sex life. I don’t just have sex with my husband. I mean, I am polyamorous.

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latinamor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.- Wikipedia

So this started back in May, when I started having those sex dreams about women. I was so saturated with these vivid dreams, it tortured me to think that it was something I had freely given up. To want something so thoroughly and to know you can never have it, is quite a depressing thought. I bemoaned it a little to my friend in OR and she sent me a link to an article by the sex columnist, Dan Savage. The article was about polyamory, and when I went on to read more articles by Dan, I realized, this isn’t just something freaky that middle aged people do, this is an alternate lifestyle that is one step from going mainstream!

To even have another option blew my mind! Growing up we are all given the same bs about finding your soul mate and being together forever, bs about partners being property (he’s mine!), and how we are all shoved down the marriage funnel, whether it fits us or not. Many of us don’t give it a second thought, we just do as everyone else does. No one stops to question this ancient wisdom. Ancient? How ancient can it really be if it was only recently (18th century or less) introduced into our code of social norms to not have lovers on the side?

How great can monogamy be if so many marriages are failing because those involved can’t stay faithful? I am not saying every monogamous couple is doomed to cheat or be unhappy with their lot in relationship life. No, what I am saying is that if polyamory were a mainstream option, many more people would honestly have lovers on the side. Fewer marriages would fail because someone slept with another person. I like to think we are not anyone’s property, that we all can make our own decisions and communicate to our loves honestly and openly. Yes, I realize that is a bit idealistic, but they are the ideals that I hold myself to.

I am only now realizing that I have power over that part of my life too. I don’t have to let society dictate how I love or who. I am still taking into consideration the feelings of others before I act, like all people should do for the ones they love. I am just also taking responsibility for my own happiness, sexual or otherwise. It has been a fun ride, weighing my interests with the ones of my husband. He was not completely on board at first, either. I had much waiting and talking to do before getting this poly awesomeness off the ground. I am very thankful that he is able to be happy with this lifestyle, that he values my happiness enough to have even considered it.

My poly journey started on OKCupid, which is a wonderful tool! I have made a handful of friends from it, friends who are open minded and accepting. Also, it is easier to meet people in such an upfront medium. If someone is interested, I already know they are cool with the fact that I am married, because I state it several times in my profile. I am actually dating a wonderful man that I met there, right now. Let’s call him M (I enjoy initials). He is also married and in a poly relationship. I have met his wife and her other partner as well. It is an extremely amicable situation, more so than one might expect. He spends the night at my house and me at his. I love the openness of it all. That is so important to me.

Wait, didn’t I get into this whole poly thing so I could date chicks? Yeah, good point…a good point for another day.

 
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Posted by on March 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Not an Enigma

I am bisexual.


It is something that I understood about myself, in some sense, since middle school. I have always found females attractive, but to confound me, I also found males attractive! As an adolescent, I was ready to find my sexual identity, am I straight or a lesbian? I was confused for a while, because I was still operating under the notion that bisexuals were just people who needed to choose, that they didn’t really exist!

In college I dated a woman, officially, for the first time. When I did it, I claimed myself a lesbian, loud and proud to all I knew (aside from my parents of course). But in the back of my mind I knew I wasn’t, I knew that I still wanted relationships with men as well as women. I was just trying to choose and in that moment I was choosing women over men. The woman I was with (who was considerably older than me), was against straight people (bisexuals included) like some Christians are against gay people! I couldn’t believe her own bigotry, it just didn’t make sense! It did make me try to be someone I wasn’t, a lesbian. One can guess that the life of that relationship was short. It was. Not even two months.

The week I broke it off with her (because I was the one who couldn’t stand being something I wasn’t), I went in search of a man, because I had been denied it so heavily in the past two months. I found one and enjoyed some relations with him. He was completely crazy, but that is another story for another day. I still couldn’t see that I was bisexual. I thought I was the only one who could find both genders equally attractive, that I was some enigma.

Fast forward a couple of years and I am married. I told my man upfront that I was also attracted to females, but I threw in the wrong clause: “but don’t worry because I have been there and done that, and I have enough experience to fuel my fantasies. I won’t be wanting any of that ever again.” Ok, that isn’t an exact quote, but you get the point. I gave him the impression that this was something that I didn’t need to act on again, in life. Perhaps it would help if I informed you that I made this proclamation at a mere 21 years of age. Sigh. I thought I knew the world, knew myself, so well at that age.

Now I am still married but I have had some epiphanies about life and relationships. My husband has been uber supportive of all of my life changes and realizations. He was there with me through my Pagan phase  (from which I have relaxed into just believing what I believe, no organized philosophy can hold me!), through my crazy maternal phase, and now he is with me through my fear of commitment stage.

Fear of commitment? Came a little late, didn’t it? My entire life has been backward, so this makes sense to me. But yes, sometime around June I realized how young I still am, but that I could see myself wasting these years, just letting them pass until I was 40, at which point I would be old. I was having a bit of a quarter-life crisis. I was about to turn 27 and I already had two kids and a husband, a mountain of debt and no interesting adventures in sight. To top it all off I was having relentless sexual dreams about women!
How do I end this story? I am not quite sure. It is still happening, and still no sex with females in sight! Opportunities, a few, but it was prudent to pass them by. I am learning to embrace my bisexuality, because I can do cool things like be in a women’s locker room, talk to naked women and then tease my husband about it! Because I can flirt with a girl without worrying if she is into chicks or not. Because I can comment on the attractiveness of either gender, to anyone. It is so freeing to not care what people think of you, and as I woman, it is very easy to be bi. Men are cool with me commenting on a hot girl’s ass. I am very comfortable being bisexual, and I am very lucky that it is so socially acceptable.

But who cares about what is socially acceptable?

I say, screw the norms!

 
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Posted by on March 6, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Replacing Repression with Passion

Dewy Rouge

As one might guess, this blog is designed to be mostly sexual in nature. Mostly, being the key word. Even someone so sexually-based as myself has thoughts that aren’t completely about sex!

The title could also refer to discovering desire within oneself for anything. Putting an end to repression of any passion, be it knitting or steamy shower lovin’. I am discovering the things that I enjoy in this life, things that drive me. It is nice to have a place to wax on about those types of things.

Of course, I worry that people from my “real life” will read about my sexual life, but really I am not ashamed. I am not hurting anyone and am creating much pleasure in my life as well as in the lives of others.

Let the fun begin!

 
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Posted by on March 6, 2012 in Uncategorized